Always on Time

When my infertility came to a point of being an all consuming issue in my life I found myself at a baby shower for someone in my small group. Of course they weren’t “trying” and just waited to see what would happen. Well what happened is she got pregnant. This point was enough for me to be slightly agitated going to the shower to begin with. What drove the last nail in the coffin was the fact that I attended the shower with a friend who had a young baby at home. The whole time every conversation had to be brought back to her baby or how she wasn’t getting any sleep. I had the choice of people gushing over the mother to be or hearing my friend go on and on about how difficult it was to have a new baby.  It was one of the few times during my infertility struggle that I felt completely alone. I remember sitting there so mad and full of sorrow I just wanted to fade into the wallpaper and run for the nearest exit.  I came home from that shower angry and feeling very alone. I would like to say that God revealed something very deep in that time but I didn’t see God anywhere at that time. I was so consumed with myself that if God would have spoken into my life I don’t know if I would have heard it. My selfishness was so painful and blinding that I couldn’t take part in either friends joy. I  felt like I was missing out because I didn’t have a baby, but I was missing out on so much more by turning away from their joy.

By being so consumed with myself I really wasn't seeing the bigger picture… that I wasn’t trusting God. I was so caught up in my own problems that I didn’t trust that God had it under control. My deep sorrow was a reflection that I didn’t trust God. Did I really feel that God had forgotten me? Did I really feel my infertility was him overlooking something?  How self absorbed I was….. but I never saw it. I didn't trust God and I didn’t think He knew better for me. I thought I knew better than the Almighty God’s plan. I recently found out that I am pregnant. As long as I have been trying and looking for the signs I was still shocked. God had His perfect timing planned out and I just needed to trust. He had blessings planned for me but it wasn’t necessarily in “my time frame”

Broken

In the beginning of my infertility journey the word that kept coming back to me was broken. I felt that so much of me was broken... my body because I was infertile, my heart because I was filled with such sorrow and my spirit because I felt empty and alone. In trying to find inner peace I listened to christian meditations to try and calm my restless spirit. One of these meditations was on brokenness and I sincerely broke down and cried. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and wallow in my self pity and misfortune. I was a broken person hiding behind a mask that didn’t have a single crack to others, but in reality I was in pieces. Most of my time was spent trying to keep those pieces together in someway.

It took me a long time to see that I wasn’t broken. God made me perfectly for His glory in His time. Infertility isn’t an accident that God overlooked when He created me. I have been given infertility as my cross to bear for a reason.  I still have no idea why infertility has been a big part of my life. I’m not sure I ever will know the reason. I do know that the scripture tells us God doesn’t allow things to happen for no reason. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 NIV  As I look at two and a half years of infertility and no ending in sight this scripture reassures me that my pain isn’t God overlooking me. God made me for His perfect purpose. Where I see brokenness He sees opportunity to make me into the person He had planned all along.