Broken

In the beginning of my infertility journey the word that kept coming back to me was broken. I felt that so much of me was broken... my body because I was infertile, my heart because I was filled with such sorrow and my spirit because I felt empty and alone. In trying to find inner peace I listened to christian meditations to try and calm my restless spirit. One of these meditations was on brokenness and I sincerely broke down and cried. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and wallow in my self pity and misfortune. I was a broken person hiding behind a mask that didn’t have a single crack to others, but in reality I was in pieces. Most of my time was spent trying to keep those pieces together in someway.

It took me a long time to see that I wasn’t broken. God made me perfectly for His glory in His time. Infertility isn’t an accident that God overlooked when He created me. I have been given infertility as my cross to bear for a reason.  I still have no idea why infertility has been a big part of my life. I’m not sure I ever will know the reason. I do know that the scripture tells us God doesn’t allow things to happen for no reason. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 NIV  As I look at two and a half years of infertility and no ending in sight this scripture reassures me that my pain isn’t God overlooking me. God made me for His perfect purpose. Where I see brokenness He sees opportunity to make me into the person He had planned all along.